


Catalyst

by GhirahimJohnson



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: All three of these friends have a complicated relationship with each other, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, Psychosis, Sylvain is big and large and his depression is bigger and larger, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21852190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhirahimJohnson/pseuds/GhirahimJohnson
Summary: Dimitri, Sylvain, and Felix experience fear. Dimitri, Sylvain, and Felix hear more than just spoken voices.Inspired by "The Fear" by the Shins.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	Catalyst

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I took a break from writing cute funny stuff about parties and musicals in order to write some disgusting and raw angst
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nANo41Ghtbs <\- The song. All lyrics used are in bold italics. 
> 
> Please talk to me on my twitter @GhirahimJohnson i am so broken over these two

_**I passed another pointless year** _  
_**Foaming at the mouth** _  
_**I with my hands ever up** _  
_**And you’re stretching out** _

Two months 

Two months ago, Dimitri was discovered, alive, at Garreg Mach Monastery by Professor Byleth. And for two months, every single person in Faerghus’s tiny army has been distancing themselves from him, save Gilbert, Rodrigue, and Professor Byleth… And Felix. 

Both Rodrigue and Gilbert are too caught up in their duty-bound fantasies about how glorious their Kingdom was to see how its destined leader is in shambles - They brush Dimitri’s psychosis under the rug with gentle chides while they sit back and watch the man destroy what little bits of himself are left. Dimitri barely eats, and he almost never sleeps. The Professor tries desperately to speak to him, to comfort him, to coax him from the dark prison of his own mind, but to no avail. 

And then there’s Felix. 

Felix compares the man to a rabid boar, seeing as how there are bugs crawling in the furs of his cloak and he snarls what little words he releases from his foaming mouth. 

Sylvain hates that he agrees. 

It’s only a matter of time before Dimitri breaks, and Sylvain doesn’t know if anyone can even begin to bring him back down to earth. And when he snaps… Sylvain blocks the thought from his mind like he does everything else. He’s gotten a little too good at repression. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, Sylvain loses sleep every night, too. He hauls himself out of bed to patrol the cathedral with each moonrise, attempting to monitor Dimitri… Just in case. Growing up on the Northern border, he’s the Sentinel. He’s used to being the first line of defense against danger, and that won’t change until he’s in the ground.

Sylvain wonders just how soon he’ll be six feet under. 

He wonders more every time he sees Dimitri’s gaze resting on Felix. Whenever Felix is around, Dimitri looks expectantly, _only_ at him. It’s a silent command - Wherever Dimitri goes, Felix follows, when he’s not exhausting himself at the training grounds. 

Is it out of duty? Felix despises the Fraldarius’ version of chivalry, blindly following a leader disregarding self-preservation or value of one’s own life… Especially a deranged one.

So… is it out of want?

Sylvain has tortured himself time and time again over the same ordeal.

He leans over the edge of the bridge and lurches, but nothing comes out. 

The boar hasn’t left the cathedral except for food, bathroom, and battle. Felix has seen him sleep once, hunched over the massive pile of rubble, restless and disturbed. 

His father and Gilbert are too weak-willed to drag him out and at least make him breathe fresh air. They’re lucky there’s a gaping hole in the ceiling for that. 

Felix doesn’t hate the boar. He… He just hates that he was right. 

All those times Felix told him, after that day, that he was a bloodthirsty animal just waiting to slaughter and maim… Did Felix encourage him? Did Felix drag that out from where it was buried under the deepest reaches of Dimitri’s psyche? 

He doesn’t think about that. 

He’s watching the boar. 

And he sees the boar’s sudden collapse onto the rubble pile as his body crumples like it’s a paper bag full of sand. He’s barely had time to reach his hands out to catch himself before Felix is rushing over. Felix pulls on his shoulder, trying to drag him back to his feet. 

“Hey! Get up! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Felix scolds, still tugging on the boar’s shoulder as he refuses to budge. “This is what happens when you don’t try to slee-”

The boar jerks himself away abruptly, sending Felix stumbling, almost falling himself. The boar’s hands shoot out to grab Felix by the shoulders, catching him. Felix can barely process where he is until the boar squeezes his upper arms, and he winces. 

He can’t track the boar’s gaze. His hair is covering his eye and his patch. It’s draped over his face, in ragged tangles, almost curling under his lips as his mouth hangs open. A chill rushes down Felix’s spine and he jolts, trying in vain to break free as the boar holds tight. 

He rasps, “I’ve found you. Glenn.”

The blood in Felix’s veins ices over, his eyes growing wide and his mouth sucking in a gasp that he nearly chokes on. He thrashes, but the boar’s claws grasp him with enough force to make him wince and grunt in pain. 

“Let me go…!” Felix demands.

“No.”

Felix’s heart lurches as the boar continues, a growl rumbling in his chest as he crushes his arms with plenty of force to bruise.

“I’m never letting you go, so _don’t struggle_ ,” he hisses, in a husky murmur so low and eerie and garbled in his throat that Felix wonders if he’s meant to hear it at all. “You’re the one who keeps haunting me. Your voice grating inside my head. Your face showing itself behind my eye even when I _close it._ ” He shakes Felix like a ragdoll, and Felix wonders just how hard his brain rattles in his skull. His head pounds and he struggles to keep his eyes open. “You live in my head. You live in my head. My head. You’re mine, you won’t leave.”

Felix, breathless and dizzy, chokes out, “What are you talking about?! You don’t know what you’re saying, boar…!”

“I’m a boar? A mere beast?” The boar releases a guttural, grating laugh that makes Felix so _sick_ he can taste bile rising in his throat. “I am a wretched monster who slaughters everything in its path. And _you_ …” 

Felix can only stare in horror as the boar presses his forehead to his own, sweating, spitting on his face as he snarls, “ _You have made me this way ._ ”

Felix headbutts him, managing to catch him off-guard enough to wriggle from his grip, but he stumbles backwards. He falls onto the rubble, flat on his back, and the boar follows. He seizes both of Felix’s arms and pins them to his sides, trapping him beneath his snarling face as his hair moves enough for his eye to glower at him, malice burning hot and blue. 

Felix wonders if he may suffocate. His breaths grow shallow. His heart rises in his throat and pounds rapidly, the force of it ringing in his ears. 

“Stop it! Stop it, Dimitri!” Felix cries out, desperation crackling in his voice. 

“That man is dead, and you’ve killed him! You’ve murdered him!” the boar yells. 

“I didn’t do anything!”

Suddenly, the beast’s massive claws are on his head, grasping it tightly and loosing his hair from its ponytail. It falls wildly over his face and shoulders. Felix’s breath fizzes out of him as the beast moves his head ever closer, his claws threatening to dig into his skin and his teeth glistening in the silvery moonlight like fangs as he draws his lips back in a snarl. 

“You’ve done this to me! You allowed a wicked, rotten soul to stain this earth with blood and innards, you made it so!” his voice catches in his throat as tears begin streaming from his uninjured eye. Felix’s hair tangles around his claws. He squeezes Felix’s head dangerously hard, and Felix’s shallow breathing has rendered him unable to resist. His nerves prick and boil his skin like electric fire. He trembles violently, but it doesn’t deter the hold. 

Dimitri screams and sobs as he clutches Felix’s head. “You can’t run away from me, Glenn! Not when I can crush you from my reality! _I want to wake up!_ ”

Felix _screams_. 

In an instant, the weight shifts from atop of Felix and he sees Dimitri falling through his periphery. Dimitri is knocked aside by a jab to the ribs from the blunt handle of Sylvain’s lance. 

Felix is yanked upward by Sylvain, and he feels Sylvain’s arm curl around him and hold him tight against his chest, cradling the back of his abused head as Felix’s trembling hands scramble for purchase on the soft, red fabric around the neck of his armor. With his free arm, Sylvain keeps his lance pointed at Dimitri, and starts backing up. 

Dimitri quietly lifts his head up, but he does not look at them. 

Sylvain’s eyes don’t leave Dimitri until they’re out of the cathedral, and his hand remains on the lance until he and Felix are safely across the bridge. 

Felix immediately collapses to the stony ground. 

Alarmed, Sylvain draws his lance away from Felix. “Hey…! We need to get you to Mer-”

Felix’s arms have latched onto Sylvain’s leg, hugging it as he whispers, “No… No… No…” with a wavering voice. 

Sylvain feels like he may retch again.

He hurries to bend over and help Felix up, but Felix has immediately scrambled to his feet, rushing up the stairs. He flees like a spooked animal and Sylvain almost has to chase him, until he sees Felix disappear into Sylvain’s room at the end of the residence hall. Sylvain enters after him and sees Felix, standing stark still, facing the back wall. 

“Felix,” is all Sylvain can say, voice hoarse. 

Silence. 

Sylvain takes the tiniest breath, because it’s all he can muster. “Look at me.”

Felix’s voice cracks as he replies, “Close the door.”

Sylvain obeys without question, but then turns to Felix again. His heart aches. “Felix, please.” He takes a cautious step closer. 

Felix, in a tiny, choked voice, tinier than he’s ever used, only says, “I can’t…”

Sylvain could drop to his knees. “Felix, look at me. _Please._ ”

Felix sucks in a jagged breath before he turns around, tears streaming from his wide eyes. His teeth clench beneath his trembling lips. 

“Sylvain…” he croaks.

_I’m scared._

Sylvain barely has time to reach his hand out before Felix runs into his arms and _sobs_. His body convulses with sobs even as Sylvain moves the two of them onto his bed, removes his armor, and cradles Felix in his lap. 

Sylvain doesn’t want to hate Dimitri. He doesn’t want to have to hate Dimitri for making Felix like this. For making Felix need him when he so desperately wants to be needed by Dimitri. Like he always has. For making Sylvain even think such awful, selfish things when Felix is suffering. 

He hates the disease inhabiting Dimitri’s body. 

By the time Felix’s breathing has begun to steady, Sylvain’s eyes have dulled and dried. His neck is tearstained, and a blotch of his shirt is soaked while some teardrops trickle beneath the fabric to wet his shoulder and chest. 

Felix used to be so tiny. 

He would cry his eyes out in Sylvain’s arms until he tired himself out and fell into an exhausted sleep. He would cry over Ingrid’s bluntness. He would cry over Glenn’s victories. He would cry over Dimitri. 

And every time, Sylvain rushed to hold him and pepper the crown of his head with kisses until his sobs ebbed away. 

There were times when Sylvain missed Felix’s weepy demeanor, only because it provided him more flimsy excuses to hold onto Felix for hours. 

Felix would hate knowing what Sylvain is thinking. 

“I… I want… Dima…” Felix whispers, and it’s so small, but it shatters the silence of the room and Sylvain’s heart in one fell swoop. Felix shivers and continues to cry onto Sylvain’s neck. 

Sylvain doesn’t know whether Felix even meant to say it out loud. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs when Felix has finally quieted enough to hear him. “I’m sorry.”

_That I’m not Dima._

Wiping his eyes on his quilted sleeve, Felix rests his forehead on Sylvain’s shoulder. “I hate this.”

Sylvain’s heart grows cold. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, never enough. “If you want me to let go-”

“No! Please!” Felix cuts him off, desperately clenching the fabric of Sylvain’s tunic. He swallows and his voice quiets again, and he tries to hide his face in the crook of Sylvain’s neck again. “Please.”

Sylvain is a weak man. He hugs Felix and selfishly buries his face in his dark, silky hair. He caresses that hair so delicately, trying to erase the yanking and clawing with the ginger touch of his fingertips. “Sshh,” he hushes, “I’m here.” He presses his mouth against the crown of Felix’s head. “I won’t.”

“It’s not fair…” Felix rasps.

Sylvain clenches his jaw. He pulls Felix closer. 

_It’s not fair that I want your gaze turned to me when I’ve never deserved it._

“You never cry,” Felix croaks weakly. 

“I do,” Sylvain whispers. 

“I never see it.”

“You shouldn’t have to…”

_Not when it’s over you._

Lifting his head up, Felix glares at Sylvain. He sniffs. “You’ve always been the strong one, ever since we were kids.” He tugs on Sylvain’s shirt. “Please… Don’t make me be the only one who’s weak here…” he adds more quietly. 

Sylvain’s eyebrows pull upward as a frown tugs the corners of his mouth down. “Felix.” He reaches his hand up, his fingers nearly brushing Felix’s jaw, but he retreats to his shoulder instead. “Nothing about you is weak. Especially not this.”

“Still,” Felix insists, “I don’t want you to bottle anything. Like you always have.”

_Like I still do._

_Like with Miklan. Like with Dimitri. Like with you._

“It… hurts,” Sylvain admits, his breath and heart heavy with every weight he crushes himself beneath in hopes they’ll just drag him to the grave. 

“Sylvain,” Felix calls him, anchoring him to earth without realizing he’s already sinking. “ _Please_ , just _tell me_.”

And oh, how it’s cruel. Sylvain’s heart in Felix’s hand, and he makes a fist. 

“Felix. You don’t understand. I can’t… Do that. I just…”

“Why not?” Felix argues, unrelenting. “It’s not fair that you need to be the pillar all the time.”

It’s not. But Sylvain had imprisoned his heart in Felix over a decade ago and broken the key himself. “I’m telling you,” he whispers, eyes closed so he doesn’t have to face Felix’s gaze boring through the nothing he is, but he feels it. “You don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand?” Felix presses. 

Sylvain clenches his jaw. He feels Felix jostling his shirt. 

“Why?!”

Sylvain opens his mouth. He opens his eyes. 

Felix is staring at him, mouth pulled in a tight line. 

Sylvain turns his head away. 

“Why?!” Felix insists again, and he grabs Sylvain’s face and holds onto it.

And all Sylvain can see now are Felix’s big, misty eyes, tears sparkling on his long lashes as moonlight filters in from Sylvain’s window. A dark lock of hair hangs in his face, curving over his soft cheek, and Sylvain’s fingers ache to tuck it behind his ear. Goddess be damned if he’ll ever be able to hold it together with a look like that. He’s never been able to from the start. 

“I’ve been wrecked over for you for _years_ ,” Sylvain chokes out, drawing in a shuddering breath. He reaches up to his weakness and delicately brushes the hair from his face. “Just once,” he murmurs, holding the knife to his own throat, “I want to call you mine…”

_Like he can._

And like that, it’s escaped through the thin bars of the cage trapping Sylvain’s pitiful heart. He can never take it back. He can never take back just how pathetically he cherishes Felix. 

And Felix…

A small hiccup, and tears follow the path down his face again. 

Just as quickly as Sylvain let his heart crawl out through his mournful mouth, it shatters to dust and sinks through the cracks in the floor. He’s done it. He’s made Felix cry all on his own. The one thing he told himself he’d never do the very instant he’d seen the first teardrop fall from Felix’s tiny, round face. 

**_I know I’ve run out of luck_ **

**_This fear is a terrible drug_ **

He doesn’t know what more he can salvage. He came to comfort Felix and all that he’s done is make it worse out of his own selfishness. Sylvain stands from his bed. 

Felix’s hand shoots out and grasps his wrist, but Sylvain doesn’t look at him.

“Wait!”

“I shouldn’t,” Sylvain protests immediately, his voice dark. “I… can’t be who you need me to be.”

“What are you talking about…?” 

“You said you want Dimitri.”

Sylvain hates the way he spits his own beloved friend’s name. 

“And I’m… this.”

“ _I didn’t mean instead!_ ”

Felix’s shout rings in Sylvain’s ears and freezes his body in place. Sylvain says nothing, only stares straight ahead at the chipping wallpaper of his old dorm. 

But the hand on Sylvain’s wrist starts trembling, and Sylvain whips his head back around immediately like the weak fool he is. 

“Everyone leaves me behind, Sylvain…!” Felix’s voice wavers. “And I’m forced to follow. Please… don’t be someone who leaves…” He swallows to stifle a sob, but he chokes on it and a tremor shakes his body. “You promised…”

Sylvain embraces him. 

Felix sobs hot, angry tears into his jacket, clutching him. 

Sylvain rocks the two of them back and forth, gently, cradling the back of his head to his neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispers into his hair as he stains it with tears of his own. 

Pulling away to look up at Sylvain’s grimace, Felix finds his hand reaching up to try and smooth it with the back of his index knuckle. “Don’t be.”

_You don’t have to be._

So gently, Sylvain reaches up and cups Felix’s face, just holding it. He rubs his flushed, tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “How the hell can someone like me deserve you…?” Sylvain’s voice is so quiet that Felix doesn’t know if he meant to say it aloud. 

**_If I only had sense enough_ **

Felix bring one of Sylvain’s hands down from his face. He slips it beneath the opening in his jacket and holds it against his rapid pulse. 

_I chose you. I promised myself to you._

He reaches his free hand up to hold the one that still rests on his cheek.

_You’re the one person that chooses to stick by me. Please don’t cry over who my heart belongs to when it’s always been yours._

“I love you.”

Sylvain leans in and kisses one of Felix’s tears away. 

**_To let it give away to love_ **

_I want you._

Felix reaches up to smear Sylvain’s tears away with his fingertips. “Yes.”

_I want you, too._

Leaning in, Sylvain draws in the tiniest breath before whispering, “I love you,” against Felix’s lips and pressing against them with his own. He kisses Felix, like he’d prayed he’d do for countless nights. He kisses him again, and again, and again, enough to rival every night he’d yearned as he lays Felix gingerly on his bed. Sylvain wraps his arms around Felix, pulling him flush against his body. 

_I thought I’d spend the rest of my life watching you leave._

Felix runs his trembling hands through Sylvain’s thick, feathery hair and clenches it in his fists. 

_I can never be without you._

Felix is under him, sweating, flushing, heart throbbing so wildly in his chest he fears it might crush his lungs and render him breathless. He shakes as he fumbles to get his coat off even while Sylvain helps him, after taking off his own shirt. 

Sylvain kisses Felix’s pounding chest and lifts one of his smaller, still-cold hands to his chest. Felix flattens his palm against Sylvain’s skin and feels his heart pounding beneath it.

“I’m so hot…” Felix pants, “Please…”

**_Come back and touch my face_ **

**_Feel for fever in the night_ **

Sylvain kisses his forehead, bringing his own big, clammy hand up to caress the side of Felix’s face with his knuckles. He kisses down his neck, down to his chest, and then kisses slowly over his racing heart. Sylvain only separates to kick off his boots and shuck off his pants while Felix does the same. 

He hovers over Felix, locking their gazes together.

The way Felix’s hair spreads out of his pillow, in a dark halo above his head - he really is the only angel Sylvain has ever prayed to. His lips and cheeks are both flushed and wet with tears and kisses, and his blush runs from his face to his stomach. His skin glistens with sweat. His eyes are wide and shining like they only ever have when Felix was still tiny and round. 

They’re _sweet_. Sylvain hasn’t seen them look that way since 1175. 

Sylvain is disheveled, jaw hanging open, lips and sunkissed skin flushed deep. His lashes glimmer with drying teardrops. His umber gaze, usually so dark and distant to contrast his charming smiles, is warm and full of light. Felix never wants Sylvain to look at him any other way again. 

**_You look into my eyes_ **

**_But you don’t really recognize me anymore_ **

“You look so beautiful,” Sylvain whispers, reverent, stroking a lock of hair from Felix’s face. 

Felix takes Sylvain’s hand and kisses his calloused fingertips. 

_So do you._

Sylvain cups Felix’s face and whispers against his lips. “I’m going to promise you myself again.” He kisses him. “So you’ll never forget.”

**_No, not anymore_ **

He swipes a thumb across Felix’s lips. “So you’ll never go a day without knowing how treasured you are.”

Felix slides his fingers lightly up Sylvain’s neck, sending a shiver down his spine and drawing a starved moan from his throat. He wraps his arms around the other man and holds tight. “I’ll never let you forget that I’ll always choose you.”

**_Not anymore_ **

Sylvain relishes him.

He savors every hungry kiss, every feverish bite, every gorgeous whimper he can pull from Felix. He pours kisses and caresses over Felix’s trembling body and ravishes him until he’s overstimulated, crying out in Sylvain’s arms. 

Felix’s muscles tense as he convulses around Sylvain, fingernails clawing desperately for purchase on Sylvain’s shoulder-blades as he screams his name. 

“Sylvain!” He melts underneath his lover and clings for dear life, screaming over and over, “Sylvain! Sylvain!”

And Sylvain is ruined.

A blazing white heat shoots through his body, lightning crackling down his spine, and everything in him ruptures as he sobs, “I love you,” into Felix’s soft hair. He lets himself spill into Felix and he doesn’t stop driving his hips against him, addicted to his sweet warmth.

“You’re so good…! You did so good, you’re so beautiful,” Sylvain showers Felix with praise, smearing his lips against Felix’s neck and cheeks in sloppy kisses. “I love you… You’re so beautiful, I love you…”

Seeing nothing but red and white, Felix grasps weakly at Sylvain’s hair. 

“I-I…! Love you too…!” 

\------------------

Felix feels his consciousness finally breathe back into his body when a cold, wet rag wipes softly over his skin. It drags between his bite-marked thighs and he shudders.

“You don’t need to coddle me like this,” Felix protests in a groggy murmur. 

Sylvain kisses the corner of his mouth. “Well, I think I do. And you told me not to bottle what I’m thinking.”

Felix just grunts, too thoroughly fucked to put up a fight. 

There’s a calm rise and fall of his chest. For the first time all night, Sylvain can see Felix’s breathing is steady. 

Sylvain lays beside him and barely has time to whisper, “C’mere,” before Felix has snuggled against his side. Finally, finally, he doesn’t have to fear Felix fleeing from his embrace. 

Seeing Felix’s peaceful, sleeping face only makes Sylvain more sure he wants to promise him the world and more.

**Author's Note:**

> I purposefully use "the boar" when writing Dimitri's episode NOT because I want to dehumanize him during his psychosis, but because that psychosis is NOT Dimitri. Felix's epithet provided a way to distinguish between the two. 
> 
> I also ended up using vague sex language again so please feel free to wild out with trans hc's


End file.
